I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think people are normalizing furries
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
