pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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