She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
