i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I want a musical about memes.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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