I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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