Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Small penises have feelings too.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
