Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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