just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
