you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
