I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
