If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have feelings that need drinking.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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