today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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