I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
