my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
