im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
