You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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