I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
