We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
