Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Send help, water and tortillas.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
