She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
