It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
