he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
