so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
