Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
