I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
