wakey wakey hands off snakey
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
