VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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