My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
