Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
