I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
