Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
