I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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