If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
