the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
