What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
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i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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