I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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