The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
