The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize