At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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