there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
