I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
