what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
