Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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