I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
