did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
