Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i think i have herpe
just one?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
