my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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