I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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