Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
