bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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