Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
