he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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