just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
