awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
